Thought you should know...

When folks learn that my mother has dementia, often they will say things like "Well, you lose them twice, you know." Well, maybe.

If it's a deeper conversation, I might go on to say that my mom is still here. She isn't really lost. People living with dementia are still in there. She is very much alive and now a different version of her former self. Certainly, our relationship has changed. Dramatically. I am now responsible for her care. Still, she is having trouble letting go of the role of mother. I doubt that she ever will. I may be having some difficulty letting go of my role as her child. I find that in life we continually evolve and grow though. Now, I have to be the one to change and to look within and find the space to hold for her, this syndrome we call dementia, and what that means for our present moment relationship.

Recently, I heard a song on the radio that brought this thought into sharp perspective. The song is by Morgan Wallen and called "Thought You Should Know". It is about a phone call to his mom. On the call he apologizes for not calling sooner and tells her about what's going on in his life. He also talks about how he knows that she has worried about him for his entire life. He also wanted to let her know that he's doing well and that her prayers have finally paid off. The first time I heard the song and actually paid attention to the lyrics, I was driving and almost had to pull off to the side of the road I was crying so hard. I was feeling a sense of loss of the relationship with my mother. I felt sorry for myself that we could not have these kinds of conversations now. She has been part of my life and worried about me for 52 years. We talked almost every day on the phone for the 26 years that I lived in Raleigh. Our relationship is by no means perfect. It has been a mixed bag - like most people have had. There has been a lot of love and care over the years.

After I was able to pull myself together, I processed my feelings about the situation. I realized that yes I can still have these conversations with mom. She may not fully understand what I am telling her or remember what I tell her. The content may not be as in depth as before. The most important concept I had to come to understand is that these conversations will still have value for both of us. So, I planned to talk to her the next time I saw her.

When I see her, I tell her about work, what's going on at the farm, and the classes and things that I am doing with dementia. One time I told her that she would be proud of me. And she said, "Well, you know that I am proud of you and always have been."

We can all take a lesson from this whether or not we are living with dementia: Live in the present moment and accept the circumstances. You don't have to like them. You may not be able to change them. You can change your reaction to them.

I just thought you should know...